Saturday, September 5, 2009

I feel

I was typing some of my feeling of what all the abuse have done to me, my personality and my mind. I did type a little bit in that thread but I have a notebook in google which I vent in and so far I have this. Just wanted to share and vent

I became a mom to myself at 5
I was confused about what love really meant
I lost my ability to express my emotions
I lost my virginity
I lost my capability to trust some one
I have created a "bitch" image for everyone,
cause I do not want to get hurt again
I want to help everyone else, but myself
I feel ashamed of my body
I see the 200 marks that my ex boyfriend gave me 12 years ago as love hicikes.

I feel that I do not deserve to be loved
I feel like any time I share my story I am crying for help.
I feel like I am not worth anything
I want people to respect me but when they really do I wonder what the motive is behind that
I feel guilty everytime I eat something
I feel like I am a tom boy when I wear a blue shirt
I feel like I am a cow when I eat
I feel like I am a wrestler when I wear a tank top
I feel like I am a whore when I wear a skirt
I feel dirty I feel like I am an abuser everytime I talk
I feel like I am hurting everyone around me
I feel like my english sucks
I feel like I am not educated enough to share my thoughts
I feel like I am going to live longer and have to carry this body till that time
I feel like a burden to my husband
I feel like if I do not have long hair, I am not going to be respected
I feel like I want to get out of this body and be free.
I feel like this life of mine is a chore that I have to do even though I dont want to.

Tara 101

This pain of mine

This pain of mine
-Tara 101 4th sep 2009

This pain of mine doesnt go away
deeper in the Valley's I tried to hide it,
Higher than skies I tried to trow it,
Bled my heart, till I feel apart.
But this pain of mine doesnt go away.

I am safe now,
I have love now,
I have reason to live now,
but this pain will not leave me.

It is the scar, that I once coverd up
,it is the scar that is now stuck in my throat,
It is the scar that is oozing with filth
This scar of mine will not disappear.

It is not like I am not having fun,
it is not like I am sucky and num,
It is not like I stay in a room.
But this pain of mine has a mind of its own.

I feel like I want to cry out loud,
I feel like I want to hide in the cloud,
I feel like I dont want to share
Because I feel like no one cares,

This pain, is making me beg,
this pain is making me mad,
this pain is taking a part of my breath away.
but this pain of mine will not go away.

I was told


I was told affection spoils you,
I was told that true love does not exists,
I was told that if it did I am not worth it.
I was told that because I am a girl I need to sacrifice,
My dignity, my individuality and my pride.

I was told, that I should listen,
I was told I was weak to feel the pain,
I was told that I should earn my respect,
I was told that to earn respect I had to do infinite amount of things
I was told that, the monsters who haunt me were showing me love.

I was told be a good girl,I
was told take the high road,
I was told stop self pitying yourself,
I was told try to be mature,
I was told that I am good for nothing.

I was told that right is wrong and wrong is right,
I was told that if I don’t get “A’s” I was not so bright,
I was told that I am lazy, fat and stupid.
I was told that to be a good mom, I will have to give up eating meat.
I was told that I am a shame,
I was told that I was born to take all the blame.

I was told things that you couldn’t imagine,
I was told that I am cold hearted,
I was told that I eat like a cow,
I was told that I walk like a man,
I was told that if I wear sleeveless shirt that I look like a wrestler,
I was told that it’s not my place to speak,

I was told that I am so disrespectful,
I was told that I am not wise cause I have no wisdom tooth.
I was told that I am so lucky to have the people who abused me.
I was told that being a women, is to give up your soul.
I was told that dreams do not exists and that was only my way out.
I was told that there is no light at the end of a tunnel.
I was told that at the end of the rainbow, there was just a muddy puddle.

I was told all these things, I tried to follow them to the word.
I was hit and hit by friends, family and all.
I was taking the high road, with nothing left for me.
I lost three kids, who never came out.
I blamed it on me ,
I thought that was my purpose.

I pushed away true love,
as I thought I was not worth at all.
I pushed away help,
cause I did not want to be weak.
I ran away from open doors,
I ran away from happiness.

I am telling them now,
F*** You all.
I am deserve to be happy,
to be loved,
to be a mom.

And I always
deserved it all.

-TARA 101 11th August 2009

No time for love

Tara 101 (14th June 2008)

Not everyone is as white as a dove
,So I have no time for love.

Your teeth are not so white,
And you are not so bright,
So I have no time for love.

I don’t like the way you walk,
I don’t like the way you talk,
So I have no time for love.

You wear a scarf on your head,
You take a whore to a bed,
So I have no time for love.

You look so sexy in a bathing suit,
And you can’t even afford a decent enough shoe,
So I have no time for love.

Your dog wears fancy underwear,
And your dog has a wound and a tear,
So I have no time for love.

You are eating in a plate of gold,
And your food is covered with a layer of mould,
So I have no time for love.

Your dress is so pink and bright,
And you haven’t ever seen a day light,
So I have no time for love.

You have a piercing in your nose,
And for you tears are very close,
So I have no time for love.

You think sex is a game,
And your children don’t have a last name,
So I have no time for love.

You play the dirty games of war,
And you send your loved ones so far,
So I have no time for love.

Let’s love everything that moves,
And put hatred on snooze,
And make some time for love.

Let us join our hands in prayer,
And use the magic of kindness which is now in rear,
And try to make time for love

Leave everything behind,
Let each other shine,
And lets all make time for love.

Dreams of Motherhood

Dreams of motherhood
- By Tara 101
(27th May 2007)
Whispers in my ears,
this little child,
Would you be my mom?
He asks me all the time,
He comes to me like a gentle breeze,
Then he leaves me to go spaces far and wide.
When he plays with me,
my day goes really bright,
He kisses me on my cheeks
and says “Good night”.
Then he touches my face
with his gentle hands,
And then, talk about a star
in some far away land.
His face is pure,
his voice is sweet,
He does run on the grass
with his bare feet.
There are dimples on his cheeks,
and freckles on his face,
He says “I am a big boy”,
but he cannot tie his shoe lace.
I know he is here
very near to me,
But why do I always have to close my eyes for us to meet?
That’s a dream for sure that vanishes in the light,
Dreams of Motherhood, that someday I might?

Life is not easy

- Tara 101

Sweet little baby,
once was I,
Always an apple
of my daddy's eye.

Candies and Chocolate's
and little treats,
Every Thursday our home
was a little retreat.

Rain will fall
all the way from the sky,
Soaking and muddy
would get you and I.

Refused to walk
on the yakkie puddle,
Carried my arms
would my parents
while I hopped in the middle.

Love and fright
went hand in hand,
Monsters would disappear
in some far away land.

Evenings were wonderful
when I went out to play,
Screaming and jumping
on each and every sunny day.

Surrounded by kids
from here to there,
This ones my cousin
and this one is for spare.

I would fight with my brother,
everyday and night,
He went away to learn,
as he grew up to be so bright.

Alone there I was
in my very home,
Not very far
I could afford to rome.

Dream is all I did
in this tiny room,
Wanted to be a Princess,
but was holding a broom.

Dreamt of a Prince,
who would Sweep me off my feet,
But all I got a was a guy
who made me angry when we meet.

Long gone are the days of hopes,
When I would be a Princess and have shiny robes?

Then came another,
in my life like a gental breeze,
We got married just like that!
without any time to sneeze.

Life is not easy for him and I,
But we will love each other till the day we die.

The wait

-Tara 101

My eyes are wet,
my heart is sore,
Dreams are great,
but I refuse to wait anymore.

The singing, the dancing,
the jumping around,
These are the things I want,
but can't hear a sound.

Bear hugs and kisses
and little steps,
The longer I wait,
the harder it gets.

We will have fun,
when we laugh and play,
Which day will that be,
it is hard to say.

Every passing mintue of the day I fear,
I hope you are not in any pain,
Oh! my dear.

I feel helpless to say but the least,
Wishing that they treat you right,
while they shamelessly feast.

Every night there may be tears,
which are shed by your eyes.
While you gaze at the stars,
in the dark skies.

Screams that you hear,
lies that are told.
All you might have now,
is a blanket to hold.

"Can someone truly love me?"
Will always be in your thoughts.
I promise that we will meet soon,
and I will love you lots.